101 Nights of Great Sex (22 page)

V
ALENTINE
’
S
D
AY IS NOT A PERFECT HOLIDAY.
Oh, it’s great, and it certainly has lots of potential every year. But for guys, V-Day represents a
hu-uu-uge
amount of pressure, with endless opportunities for getting it wrong. It can be breathtakingly expensive. (And that’s if your guy doesn’t collapse from decision-making paralysis and end up doing nothing, while cursing Cupid under his breath.)

Here’s something else that can go wrong on Valentine’s. Some couples never get around to physical intimacy! That’s because the sex comes last, if it comes at all. By the end of the day they are too stuffed with fancy food, too buzzed with wine, and too stressed from the pressure of saying “I love you this much” to actually get down to the act of love. It’s the Wedding Day Syndrome, repeated every year.

The solution is obvious. Get dirty early! And buy him something you’ll both love. Something perfectly practical, yet romantic. Something simultaneously useful and hot. Get him a tool belt.

Tease him in the days leading up to Valentine’s Day. Tell him often how you found the best gift for him, and that he’s going to love it. Try not to laugh too loud when you see him squirm and sweat as he second-guesses his own gift for you. He may run back to the store two or three times, upgrading his present, uncertain of his own romantic judgment. Men are hilarious like that, no?

A half-hour before dinner, sneak away to put on your special Valentine’s outfit. Go for all black this time: black bra, black thong, black thigh-highs and black heels. Then just before you stroll out to see him, strap on the tool belt. He’ll love the look. He’ll be tickled when you tell him it’s his. And he’ll be thrilled when he sees what you’re carrying in it. There’s a vibrator... and a bottle of personal lubricant... and extra batteries... and a couple of candles... and a lighter... and all your favorite bedroom accouterments...

...
and a handful of Spank Tie
s. Have you seen these sweet things yet? They work like the little twist-ties you might use to seal bread bags, but they’re made of soft, pliable rubber, about two feet long, in a luscious shade of pink. Wrap them around someone’s wrists and they stay put, but are easy to escape from. They are the least threatening bondage toy ever invented. Perfect for restraining your lover on Valentine’s Day.

Which is exactly what you’re going to do. Make him lie down—still fully dressed—and use your Spank Ties to bind his wrists to his thighs. Set up the candles. And while you’re still wearing the tool belt, slip off your thong, climb on the bed, and straddle his face. Talk dirty to him. Tell him how much you like what he’s doing. Tell him to keep it up if he wants to earn a bonus present. Tell him you might even let him go free sometime tonight. If he’s a good little Valentine, that is.

After several minutes, turn your attention to him. Use your happy pink ties to bind his wrists together, and his ankles, too. Unzip his pants, pull out his penis and make it hard. Make him tremble. Then straddle his hips and slip him inside you. Ride him. Rock him. Pull your vibe from the tool belt and let him watch you buzz yourself to a delicious climax, while keeping him inside you. That image alone may be enough to push him over the top.

So are you going out for Valentine’s dinner? If so, don’t let him change. His slightly mussed clothes, still fragrant with the scent of sex, will make it a meal to remember. Though perhaps he’ll suggest that you skip dessert. He might want to make a special after-dinner treat for you at home.

And he might want to make it with his brand new tool belt.

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T
HIS IS A SCORCHER
.

I mean it’s really hot. The power of this seduction comes from a startling and intensely erotic invention, one you may never have heard of.

It’s the closest thing yet to virtual sex. It’s a recording of people making love, in digitally enhanced, state-of-the-art stereo, and it’s an incredible turn-on. This compelling CD is called
Cyborgasm
.

It’s like listening to porn—only it allows you to imagine what the actors look like. And tonight, they look an awful lot like you and your man. To gain the full sensual effect, you’ll also need two sets of headphones, and a headphone jack splitter —these are just a few dollars at Radio Shack—so that you can both hear the CD at the same time.

The day of your seduction, tie a blindfold over his eyes. Put on one of his favorite CD’s and play it through the headphones. His world is now centered on the music and on your hands as you massage his feet, his calves, his thighs. He’ll smile in anticipation of the treats to come... but he can’t possibly predict the sensual power of the
Cyborgasm
disc.

Pop it in and put on the other pair of headphones. Now brace yourself! You’re suddenly surrounded by people making fiercely passionate love in full stereo sound, and it’s so real it’s as if they were right there. He feels like they are, because suddenly a warm, wet mouth is engulfing his penis. It’s you, of course, following along with the action of the CD, and finding your own temperature rising with his. Cover your hands with Astroglide or some other body oil and fondle him all the way through track fourteen. You can squeeze hard and stroke fast — the lubricant protects his skin and supercharges his senses. When track fifteen comes on, climb right on top of him. The most awesome, incredibly concentrated stimulation of his life will bring him to climax in minutes.

But here’s the real magic of
Cyborgasm
. It’s so incredible, so amazingly arousing, that he’ll be ready to go again in seconds. I hope you have fresh Energizers in the CD player — like that famous bunny, he’ll want to keep going, and going, and going...

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T
UBE SOCKS
.
Tube socks!
Who would have believed that those could ever come back in style? Part of every gym class uniform in the seventies, they were laughable by the eighties and dead and buried by the nineties, alongside headbands, leg warmers, and acid-washed jeans.

But suddenly, juicy girls everywhere are wearing tube socks again. Skaters and athletes and cheerleaders wear them. Pop stars wear them. Models wear them. When I saw them advertised in Maxim magazine, I knew their time had come again. Old-school tall athletic socks are sexy, in a way they never were the first time around.

Your new tube socks will be the centerpiece of a supersexy look. Short skirt. Sheer bra. White tube socks with those signature three stripes. And—do I even need to say it?—
no underwear
.

Now here comes the fun part. Call your lover into the room and let him get a good look at you. You’re sitting in a chair, feet pulled up on the seat in front of you, knees up against your chest. Between your feet (and right in front of your skirt) is a small pillow. Give him a moment to admire the view. Then smile a wicked smile... and toss the pillow down on the floor in front of you.
Oh, yes
. No panties. The view just got much better.

Point to the pillow. Then to his knees. Then back to the pillow. You don’t really have to say a word, do you? Once he’s kneeling before you, take his head in your hands and guide him straight to your sweet spot. That’s right; take control and make him do it. He loves being shown exactly how to please you. Your moans and thrusts will drive him wild. Grab his hair and push his mouth right up against you; make him lap it up for as long as you want.

Oh, he’s going to get his reward tonight, you’ll see to that.

But for now, all you need to do is let him enjoy the feel of those soft, sexy cotton tube socks... against the back of his neck.

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I
LOVE
THE
B
RITISH ATTITUDE TOWARDS SEX
!
Sure, their Queen seems proper and reserved, but her subjects? Wildly open about sex. They joke about it, talk about it, and buy the most fabulous outfits to participate in it. My jaw dropped when reading British statistics on role-playing, spanking, vibrator ownership (highest in the
world!
), and bondage games.

You can’t spell f**k without the U.K.

The Brits are seriously naughty, and this week, you are too. After all, The Red Room of Pain from
Fifty Shades of Grey
was created by E. L. James, another wildly kinky Brit.

To start, apply some luscious red lipstick to your lips and press a perfect print onto three sheets of paper. The first gets folded and left wordless in your lover’s car. That single kiss will be enough to put a smile on his face and get him thinking about you. The next day, leave another paper kiss where he’ll find it, with this sultry note: “I’ve got plans for you, if you’re good. Or if you’re bad.” Let him find the third kiss Friday morning: “Tonight. Bedroom at 8. No sooner, no later.” Your lips will be pressed onto his mind all week.

The moment he walks into your bedroom and sees you straddling a chair (the back of it facing him), he thinks:
You look gorgeous. Amazing. Hot.
He can’t see your body because there’s a luxurious blanket draped over the chair’s back and seat, making it quite cushy for you, but blocking his view.

What he
can
see leaves him breathless. The highest of heels, the reddest of lips. You’re wearing a hat—which, like all hats, has the power to transform you into another character altogether. In a low, sultry voice, say,
“Come here. Stand in front of me.”